hang on little tomato

i am destined for greater things!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

life is good :-) will update my blog soon. i've just been soooo busy but i know i will have time tomorrow. hihihi.

Monday, April 16, 2007

tearing at my heart, tugging at my soul

a friend wrote this..a really nice read, very heartfelt and sincere..sapul! hehe. just felt it had to be out there..

i wonder what you’re doing right now. i wonder if you feel the same anxiety i feel whenever you come to mind. i know you don’t, and that tears me apart. a huge part of me wishes, or rather, tries to think that "maybe" you also feel the same way. feel the same "pangs" of loss, that same emptiness, and sigh the same sighs that seem to be followed every single time with a brief exclamation of "..sayang..". then again it’s all wishful thinking, on my part, at least. as usual.

mom sent me something today, lately the "quotes" she’s been sending have hit quite close to home. home being my dilemma. you. us, well what used to be us. she sent something that went like this:

"always make your absence felt. in such a way that somebody misses you, but let not your absence be so long that somebody starts learning to live without you..."

that made me think of me. you. us, the old us and who we are now to each other.

i try to analyze what i am, who i am right now in your life. you’re someone important in mine, too important that oftentimes i find myself forgetting myself for you. ah, but i love you, that’s why. i could always conjure all the speeches possible, to swoon you over, to sweep you off your feet, to convince myself to just keep on tearing at the world just for this love of mine for you to stay. remain. but i could never tell myself to not love you, to just stop, to just hate you continuously and eventually get sick of you. i just couldn’t muster the words, or "conjure" the speech that would make me...forget this feeling tearing me up inside. then again, that was never one of my talents. or i never really learned how to do that.

i try to think about you, and what you’re doing. doing to me. doing to us. they say that oftentimes pain is self inflicted lest it be physical pain. in this case, the continuing consistent pain i feel when i remember what happened a couple of months ago. a part of me badgers myself for insisting that you’re still doing something to hurt me, that somehow, this pain i feel is largely because of what you did. well, yeah, if you look at it straightly, it is because of you and what you decided to do. a part of me also concedes to the fact that you just had to do it, or you just had to go, just because you wanted to..for whatever reasons you had. it just happened, and it’s been a couple of months since i last had a real conversation with you. in 4 months or so, it would mark a whole year of not being with you. not hearing i love you from you. funny, i never got tired of those words no matter how many times you said them to me, now i miss them so.

i try to imagine myself in your feet. trying to think and feel what you feel, but then again it’s all an exercise in futility as i’m not you. i wasn’t the one who went away. i wasn’t the one who broke up with me.

then i realize. maybe you want your absence felt, and my presence gone in your life. maybe you’d want this to be soo long, even extend it up until you can..just because you’ve learned to live without me.

i guess. Like my inability to forget, unlove and just let go of my feelings for you, i won’t learn to be happy and content to live without you anytime soon.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

hi just thot of saying hi & hellow! how r u na? hope alls well with u! even if ur not with {insert name here} ul alwaz stil b my friend ha! i mis cein u {toot toot}. Tc. Dnt be a stranger k!

-- from someone whom i hardly talked to but actually cared..so sweet! it made my day :-)